3am family circle

i keep waking up in the middle of the night the past few weeks, wide awake as if someone splashed water on my face. the energy healer said between 3 - 5 am are the 'elixer hours', or spirit hours, where the veil is thinnest and we have the easiest connection to spirit. she said that's why many eastern religions get up during these hours to do their morning meditation. she suggested that maybe someone somewhere is trying to tell me something, and i shouldn't try to fight the urge to get up; just get up, write, read, meditate, do whatever i'm inspired to do.

so my day began at 2:56am today, gently coming out of a dream.

a quick preface: a lot of the focus during the healing on monday was on my parents and their passing, and especially with my dad, which has been more recent, and was more shocking and sudden, and somehow i seem to have made peace with my mom being gone (3+ yrs already) but there was still a lot of crap tied up with my dad and our relationship and some anger and resentment toward him for being so selfish and not taking care of himself and preventing this from happening to him which was within his control but he didn't want to so we looked at that and practiced some forgiveness and letting go

it's been over three years, and i haven't had a dream starring my mom where there hasn't been an aspect of death or sadness involved. i always somehow know i'm dreaming, and either hug her and tell her how much i miss her, or tell her 'you're gonna die of cancer. you're not gonna make it through this.' it usually ends with karl shaking me awake because i'm crying in my sleep.

now with tata gone over a year, i've generally been having the same pattern of dreams with him. always aware in the dream that he's gone. p.s. i'm just gonna start calling him tata not dad because that's what i called him and dad sounds weird and i don't really need to clarify that at all because who the hell else is reading this blog besides me?

so the dream. wonder if the healing influenced it. but first time since before things changed, i had a family dream. all four of us there, brother parents and me. hanging out together in the backyard of the house where we grew up. my parents looked good, current, the way they would look if they were around, all of us at current ages no flashbacks. marko and tata are jammin on guitars together. tata never played guitar in real life, its been something marko has picked up just in the past year or so. mom and i are digging in the dirt in the yard, getting plots set up for a big spring garden. my mom never had much of a green thumb in real life, and its something i just started doing last summer in my yard. but there we all were, all in proximity, all hanging out, marko and i with our hobbies and our parents participating, having fun, no overshadowing of death or sadness. and that's really it.

when i think of them i feel sad because there are so many things i want to share with them about my life and what i'm into and just have them be involved. maybe some energy cleared and i'm finder deeper peace about the whole thing, or maybe they dropped in tonight to let us know that they're happy we're developing hobbies and are always around sharing it with us in spirit.

an earlier dream in the evening involved my brother driving around the road smashing into other cars, only instead of a vehicle, he was driving an enormous elephant. i have no idea what this means. ganesha???

mood: contemplative
tea: lemon ZINGER! woohoo! it just sounded like fun for my mouth